Knowing when to say NO!
Sheesh, this is awkward. It’s been a looonnng time since I’ve posted, and for that I’m truly sorry. There’s been a lot of things that have been going on in my personal life as well as the world in general ranging from highs as high as mount everest and lows as low as the challenger deep. Just when we thought 2020 was giving main character energy, these last few years of unpredictability has definitely had us all on the edge of our seats - lows ranging from the economic stint following the great resignation, a comedy marathon of politics, inflation, and highs such as the federal cut on interest rates (homebuyer enthusiasts get ready), breakthrough scientific advancements for the visually and audibly impaired, breakthroughs in the fight against cancer, and a black woman serving in the supreme court. These last few years have been interesting to say the least!
On a personal note, I am grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to visit some of my wish-list destinations around the world, got a puppy ( a “not so” mini-goldendoodle”), got married 💕, and made a decision to fully commit to my entrepreneurship after transitioning out of my 8 year corporate world of Tech. Like many others, I was impacted by the mass lay-offs in the tech space (old Employer, if you’re reading this, I promise there are no hard feelings - the desire for change was a mutual decision if you get my gist). God has a funny way of telling folks to move when they get too comfortable. As a prisoner to my own uncomfortable comfort with familiarity, I needed this push.
In fact, if you know me personally, you would know how unhappy I was and how this unhappiness seeped into other areas in my life and greatly impacted some of my interpersonal relationships, and my relationship with my own self. At that point, I realized that the cause for my imprisonment to my routine discontentment is that I felt I had reached an unseen levels of success, which was nothing more than just a decent paycheck in return for my time. It is only recently that I’ve discovered that the greatest luxury of all is time. Why would I continue to give my time to something or a space that wasn’t contributing to my happiness? I was comfortable, it felt safe.
Was I fully tapped into the power of my potential in action? Did I reach a ceiling? Was that it for me?
No.
As I explore the path of self-employment, I realize that that I had a history of saying “yes” to too many things that distracted me from my greater purpose and a life of true contentment. Funny enough, I never considered myself to be a “people pleaser”. I mean, look at the definition itself…
I mean, anyone that knows me personally will tell you that I don’t have a problem saying no. I’ve never cared about what people thought of me, nor have I tried hard to fit into societal systems or places that didn’t serve me. I’ve never been a mascot of the status-quo…right? I mean, based on this definition, there is no way that I could be a people-pleaser…right?
No, Wrong…
I was trying to fit in. I was trying to mold myself into the image of what I thought was the safe and correct path for me; deep down I knew I was just a cog in a machine, and deep down I knew I wanted to craft my own. Just as my loved ones would tell you that I don’t shy away from saying no, they would also tell you about the entrepreneurial spirit I’ve had since my childhood. It was quite clear that I had surrendered to my fear of uncertainty. In fact, my fear was a mountain, and the mountain of uncertainty was the most challenging mountain that I’ve ever had to climb. I was people-pleasing to my complacency and comfortability.
Whether you’re self-employed, unemployed, corporate folks, students, parents, etc - whatever role you have in society - the most important relationship you will have is the one with yourself. Learning to say no can be empowering when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. Here are some tips on knowing when to say no…
Knowing when to say No…
Say NO when it compromises your values, ethics, and/or well-being - If a request conflicts with your values, ethics, or well-being - it’s important to say no. For example, I am a strong believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and therefore you won’t catch me accepting invitation to psychic reading soirees or playing around with ouija boards. Often times, we can avoid some of the uncomfortable experiences we have by avoiding environments that do not serve our greater spiritual interests. If something is not serving your well-being, it’s important to decline. Now, this is not to say that you should rage quit your job or anything (looking at you gen-z and late millennials…I’m kidding, kinda). It simply means to be honest about what your passions are, your ethics, morals, and beliefs. Tap into the introspection and ask yourself if the things you’ve agreed to are a reflection of that. If they aren’t, it is time to say no.
Say NO when you’re at capacity - If you’re feeling overwhelmed with multiple tasks and responsibilities in your life, what good does it do anyone to volunteer yourself or to take on more work or projects? You have to be honest about the workload that you can handle and no when to say no to what does not contribute to your present day commitments. Politely declining in these situations allows you to focus what’s already on your plate without jeopardizing the quality of your commitments, or your relationships with others. What good does it do you or other people when you commit to things that you don’t have the capacity to dedicate to? These situations often lead to damaged relationships, resentment, and frustration. Do you truly know the danger of working beyond your capacity? As much as I’d love to get to a point where I can squat 3x my body-weight, I know I am not there yet. If I were to go to the gym tomorrow and add additional plates beyond the capacity of my limits, I would harm myself and cause trauma. This same philosophy can apply to one’s own self, emotionally.
Say NO when your yes will go unappreciated - Saying yes can often feel rewarding, but when your efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated, this may lead to burn-out, frustration, and resentment. In order to protect your time and energy, it’s important to recognize the patterns of dismissal, and when your effort is not valued. If you brought food to a stray dog every week, and the dog continued to bite you all while devouring the food, and then growling for more, would you feel good about bringing the stray dog food next week? No. I get it, sometimes we think our continuous efforts can turn the tides of unappreciation. Unfortunately, it does not. Instead, those who think they can turn the tides of unappreciation end up drowning in a sea of dismissal. Next time that coworker who doesn’t acknowledge your help asks for support, you find yourself pouring into people’s cups who do not reciprocate, or you’re tasked with the mundane tasks that do not contribute to your growth learn to say no.
If you’d like some more tips on mastering self-expression & setting boundaries, feel free to check out my Youtube Video. That’s right, I am Vlogging and Micro-locing now, follow my journey!
I hope that you’ve found this post and virtual table talk helpful. Just remember, being a people-pleaser is not the same thing as being a kind person. In order to be kind to others, you must master the art of being kind to yourself, and this includes the authenticity in saying no when needed. We’ve all got a bit of work to do.
Keara,
Grow More.
